Learning To Be Me
Let us go to depths much greater than the skin
Let’s listen to the soul which whispers the truths of the universe
Let us witness the greatest beauty from the language of the heart
Gazing into the mirror, I am met with this human body showing me the affects of time and lifestyle.
I look deeply into my eyes, where a sage woman is emerging.
I desire to occupy my mind more with her presence and less with the vanity centered thoughts of lost youth.
A memory enters my mental room. Watching TV at my grandparents house. A pantyhose commercial, perhaps it was Legg’s. A seed planted in my preteen mind about perceived beauty. Was this the beginning of my lifelong obsession with my appearance?
I recall an encounter with a boy. Drama class in 7th grade. It was a mixed age class and an older boy touched my leg. In that moment of shock, I was suddenly aware of my unshaven skin. The next shower I took found me learning to use my mother’s razor. I can still see a slight scar on my right ankle. If memory serves, I think it was several days before I was brave enough to shave my other leg.
Age twenty ish. My boyfriend and I had joined the local gym. I don’t remember having a reason other than for fun until one day he brought me to a trainer and began to point out the parts of my body that “needed fixing”.
“Don’t have her add muscle to her thighs, they are already too big”.
As my aspirations grew to become some heralded image of perfection, I fancied the idea of becoming a model. If I was one, it would mean I was perfect. I would have evidence in the form of being desired by all men and women wishing they looked like me.
That ship sank when I found out supermodels had about 7 more inches of height than I ever would.
The seeds of perfection that were sown in my young impressionable mind bound me by the roots that were strengthened by my belief of my experiences being the entire truth.
I lived many years with vanity metrics hitching a ride in my day to day life.
When I entered the online coaching space around 2018, my past reached its boiling point. I desired to start sharing my heart on livestreams and I found my fear of being seen and judged (by self included) was paralyzing me.
I’m having a chuckle at this very moment as I consider each day of my existence had already been a stage, as I worked retail, went to art school, ran service based businesses and so on. For some reason, hitting “go live” on Facebook brought forth a truckload of unresolved self doubt that it was time to dump.
After going down a rabbit hole of YouTube tutorials, watching makeup artists apply multiple layers of concealer for their “natural go to the market look” - as if that had anything to do with my business - I pulled myself out and began to experiment with showing up as myself.
July 18, 2019 - My husband and I were enjoying a getaway in Mammoth Lakes, California. I’d been talking myself into doing a Facebook live and finally, after a long walk, my courage was at the highest point it was going to be that day. I turned on my video and out came two minutes of sharing that felt like an eternity to me.
I knew there was a treasure trove of stories within me and I was learning that my physical presence radiated a frequency which held the power to ignite change in others.
From that July on, I’ve ridden the ever changing wave of a heart led creative entrepreneur. Some periods of time are easy to share from. Some not.
Recently, I’ve been called to show up live more frequently. In my work, it’s important for people to feel my energy. This can be expressed through the written word, as you may feel a connection to me here, however my intuition is telling me to further unveil and show myself as I am. In honesty, it’s been challenging to face my “imperfections” as I look at my camera while speaking to those who may stop their scroll to take in my musings. I can either be my own worst critic or I can hold myself in a loving embrace, greatly valuing my gifts.
What I know with absolute certainty is that our stories hold the power to move others.
The story that you are afraid to share - perhaps feeling shame or embarrassment around - is likely the one someone needs to hear.
I understand there are the ones we cannot share publicly for the respect of others. I hold those as well. There are safe spaces in which your shares are held with great care. I’ve been led to some of those as well as creating my own.
I encourage seeking out local or online sisterhood and spiritual entrepreneur communities. Allow your intuition to be your guide. As you tune deeper into yourself, you’ll be led to authentic containers of wisdom, honor and support. You are welcome to see if my community is aligned for you.
Rebel Unicorn: The Ultimate Creative Collective of Limitless Potential
Today, as I shed my layers, I am most magnetized by those who strive not for perfection but to be their truest selves.
Authentic. Raw. Untethered.
I am learning how to be HER.
I am learning how to be ME.
